Nobody is born ashamed.
A little girl doesn't look at her body and decide it's wrong. She doesn't believe her voice is too loud, her anger is unattractive, or her desire is something to hide.
This girl, growing into a woman learns that her body is something to be judged. That being 'desirable' is rewarded, but owning her sexuality is often condemned. That taking up space comes with consequences.
For a long time, I thought I had unlearned it. I've always felt comfortable with nudity. Being naked never felt particularly difficult.
My sexuality did.
I realised that while I had stopped feeling ashamed of my naked body, I was still carrying shame around my own desire. The unlearning of this shame is a work in progress.
Then my body changed. I've gained weight, and with it, some of my confidence disappeared. I'm incredibly hard on myself. Every photo, every outfit, every reflection became another opportunity for criticism. I'm trying to replace that criticism with softness. My body isn't an ornament. It's not here simply to be looked at. It carries me through life, even if it sometimes struggles with migraines, IBS and PCOS. It deserves kindness, not because it's perfect, but because it's mine.
And somewhere in all of this, I realised something else. I don't know who I am without performing.
Not just for men, but for everyone. Being attractive. Being agreeable. Being confident. When you've spent your whole life being watched, it's difficult to know where the performance ends and where you begin.
I'm still figuring that out.
Maybe that's what unlearning shame really is. Letting go of the version of yourself that was created for everyone else.
